I don't apologize.

But I was wrong, and I freely admit that.

I simply don't apologize because I feel as if I have nothing to apologize about. I'm tired of always being sorry. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a "sorry girl"; so how I got into this role I so actively shunned is beyond me. So I am not sorry - but I recognize I was wrong. I didn't speak to you when I called you back because I didn't want to say anything I won't mean forever, and anything I could have possibly said to you then would have been just that.

I am not a machine. If you prick me, I will be bleed. If I am happy, I will smile. If I am sad, I will cry. And if I'm disappointed? I damn sure will show it. Why? Because I'm a sensitive human being. Perhaps overly sensitive but that, I've found, is not something I can control.

I wrote that in my blog the other day, and it is scary how much it is still resounding, however many days later. No, I am not irrational or dramatic or ridiculous, I am human. A human that still hasn't gotten over your last disappointment it seems, regardless of what good came out of it in the end. There was no closure, no understanding, nothing was resolved. And I blame you. Not fully, but mostly. Of course I'm to blame a bit - I am never without fault in any situation; but you let things unfold in the most unhealthy ways possible and this is what happens.

No, I did not want to talk later. I wanted to talk then. Later is when there's enough time for the anger to implode, for the bad feelings to fester, and for the dramatics to escalate. But it's always "later" with you. Dealing with issues right as they happen doesn't fit neatly into the little calendar you don't bother sticking to anyway. There is never the right time. And then the right time ceases to exist, it never comes, and all the emotional (that might be a stretch) baggage gets carried along, bumbling along on the mental carousel until .... well you know what happens next.

Crash and burn.

Oh but you never do anything wrong. Me schlepping over to your side of town, in the cold and threatening in rain was not for my health. Actually, that is very bad for my health, as you already know. It might have been a misunderstanding, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But this "it's not my problem" attitude did not help things much, in fact it made things exponentially worse. To be fair, that lashing out was a long time coming. And to be honest, it really wasn't just you. It was everything from this week so far; the flakiness, disappointments, general antagonist attitude towards the human race, not all having to do with you. So perhaps you simply just drew the short end of the stick. My compounded anger found itself combusting on you, not because you did anything terribly wrong but because you were there.

But, I can do that right? That's what best friends are for.

I don't apologize, but you should know I know that I was wrong.